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Key and Peele (2012) s02e04 Episode Script

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This is our last chance. Another huge YouTube hit for the show. It was fun being a dentist.

Man, get down there. And that swastika is just a movie prop, like a rubber chicken. I guess you're right.

Key and Peele (2012) s02e04 Episode Script - How is it possible? To the man of the hour.

I've got titties in my mouth. So, we are fans of action What's you favorite action - Who's your favorite action star? Oh, muay Thai, that's what he uses. I've been practicing some of my techniques. Oh, have you been studying muay Thai from a muay Thai master? You've been studying muay Thai from a muay Thai master? You can study them yourself. Are you studying What is this? I mean, right there? But this is this is good martial arts if you're in the slo-mo section of the film. I've still got him, I don't know what happened there. Okay, watch this, everybody. I was wondering when I would come in here to find you sitting in that chair. It wasn't easy tracking you down, Decker. Wasn't supposed to be. I know you've retired, but That's all behind me now, General. I'm not the man you knew during the Cold War. We're now facing a threat unlike any we've ever faced before. Never to kill another human being. Sorry, General, gotta have to find someone else. Oh No, we hmm we weren't thinking you'd do it. We were just hoping you cold recommend someone for the job. I guess I could come out of retirement. Just a recommendation will do. You know, you're just not what we're looking for. You sly son of a bitch. You always knew how to push my buttons. I'm sharp as I ever was. Wait till I count to three first. I want you to try and slap me in the face. Wasn't ready for that. Didn't have my adrenaline up. You're getting pretty quick. I don't need to take your weapon. I am not going to shoot you. Try, General, see what happens. I made a mistake coming here. That was because my other arm was already injured. If you can shoot me in the gut, I'll concede. You you caught the bullet? So, you're telling me that the bullet is in-between your hands right now? That's what I'm telling you Is that all you got? I wasn't Wait one sec. Okay, I just want people to be straight with us and just admit Who here has tormented a substitute teacher? I don't understand why. I don't believe the people who are raising their hands, by the way. I don't understand why. I've never understood why. I always tried to be polite to the substitute teacher. Everybody had that kid in school that was, like, - a real - a real rapscallion. I was the kid that was just doodling in the corner. But I had I know you had one. I had this kid who, if a substitute teacher came, my man would be surfing on the desk. My man would get up, talking about Looking him in the eye. Joey, get off the desk. Joey, get off the desk. I'm telling you now to get off the desk, Joey. All right, listen up, y'all. I'm y'all's substitute teacher, Mr. I taught school for 20 years in the inner city, so don't even think about messing with me. Let's take roll here. Where's Jay Quellin at? No Jay Quellin here? So that's how it's gonna be. I got my eyes on you, Jay Quellin. Where is Balakay at? There's no Balakay here today? Bl Are you out of your goddamn mind? So you better check yourself. Is there a Dee-Nice? If one of y'all says some silly-ass name This whole class is gonna feel my wrath. Well, you better be sick, dead or mute, - A. Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh? You know, I'm just asking you. I said it, like, four times. Son of a bitch! You done messed up, A. Now take your ass on down to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office, right now, and tell him exactly what you did! Get out of my goddamn classroom before I break my foot off in your ass! To the man of the hour. Guys Best bachelor party ever! What do you say we get a stripper? Trey, I told you man, no strippers. Aw, is this a bachelor party or isn't it? I'm your best man, there's no way I'm gonna let you puss out on your own bachelor party. We're getting the strippers and we're gonna connect the dots. Yeah Tinkertoy it, man. We're all behind her and then we all, bup-bup-bup-bup. We go to town! Wait, wait, wait, hold on. You're upfront, then bup-bup-bup-bup! Hold up, hold up, hold up. This is Tommy's last night of freedom! You don't understand what I'm sayi Oh, dude! Here it is, okay? I'm not doing that. Tommy's about to walk the plank of marriage, all right? This is our last chance. Last chance for what? See, but right there, Trey. That's the weird part! You don't want to be disrespectful to women. Armenian conveyer belt: just the groom and his groomsmen, bup-bup-bup-bup. You kept the part that noboby wants! Yeah, I definitely don't want to have sex with any of you guys! This is supposed to be Tommy's last big celebration. We're in the other room. Well, that's all right. No bup-bup-bup- bup, okay? You guys are so gay! How do you think you would fare if you went into the penal system? I think if I went through the penile system, I think the penile system would go through me. Lewis Lawrence is beginning his life sentence. In order to survive, he must join a gang. Lewis Do you understand? I know how it work, right? When you're in prison, what you need is protection, right? And the way to do that is by getting into a gang. I was surprised to find out that there is a bald gang in prison. They're gonna be my homies. Talking about some B. I mean they haven't officially asked me to be in the gang yet, 'cause you need to earn they respect first. You know what I'm talkin' about! So that was it right there, okay? So, it's my understanding that I'm now a member of the Bald Brotherhood gang, okay? That's a euphemism you hear all the time. But you don't know if it's true, it can't be true. How is it possible? So I hope like, I hope that's, like, lifetime dues right there. It's the happiest day of my life is what I'm saying. Despite the lack of encouragement, Lewis continues to try and ingratiate himself to the gang. That's what I'm talking about, hero! Trying to creep up on my bald brothers, bitch! I oughta kick you again. Hey, you all right, man? Come on, get up, get up. We got you, son. We got you, son. Man, get down there. I mean, I think I accidentally got hit by some of my bald brothers. Bald brotherhood forever, man! But you know, that's prison, man. I mean, you don't never know what side it's coming from. Lewis has yet to make any alliances. Meanwhile, an unprecedented peace has been brokered between black and white prison gangs. The once unsurmountable racial divide now bridged by a mutual hatred for Lewis. Hey, you going to Ray's party? Things have been real good with her, man. Tonight could be the night. You get the hottest girl at a party with no parents. You're definitely gonna hit that for sure tonight, man. All the white went straight to my penis. That what what you mean, like, the color? But wait, dude I mean - how bad could it be? What am I gonna do? I mean, I How am I gonna hit it with Amy with my little white penis. Everyone's gonna find out and I'm never gonna hear the end of it. She's not gonna care. I guess you're right. She's probably not even gonna know the difference. White girl, white penis. Hey, there he is. How'd it go last night? She was just like It's just, like I've only seen In my whole life, I've only seen Macaulay Culkin do that. In my whole life. Serious, she was, like, it was crazy. You and I go to the bar, couple of friends. And then, maybe - Bup-bup. I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.

An homage to the highest degree. I was surprised to find out that there is a bald gang in prison. You're definitely gonna hit that for sure tonight, man. Didn't have my adrenaline up. I oughta kick you again. Simple and effective, and all too real. Meegan quickly launches into her special brand of passive-aggressive questions that result in a heated back-and-forth that confuses Andre in the exact way Meegan probably planned. I've never understood why. In my whole life.